Heidi Montag-Pratt in Playboy = The Demise of an Institution

Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

Heidi Montag will be bearing her big plastic boobs in Playboy, the magazine confirmed today. Another once-proud institution decimated by the toxic pseudo fame so prevalent in our rapidly decaying society.

Playboy has always celebrated feminine beauty and fertility (that's what the bunny is all about) and has never been known for particularly deep discussions about gender issues. It is a fun magazine for men of a particularly libertine, libertarian, liberal bent, and I like that. I like the pictures, too, and my dream job would be to write the "turn-ons" and "turn-offs" of the Playmates. I'd be a lot more creative than whoever writes the "thunderstorms" and "rudeness" lines that they constantly recycle. I'd be like, "Turn-ons: gnawing on calloused fingertips Turn-offs: Guys who are too hung up to make me feel like a dirty little slut every once in a while."

Anyway, Heidi Montag... yeah. Um, can you say "Stick figure with fake tits, famous for nothing?" I knew you could. Add "puke breath" and you've just described approximately 78 one-night stands I had before getting married.

I wish Playboy would find another (young, pre-dead) Anna Nicole Smith, you know, somebody nobody's ever heard of who's just HOT AS HELL with a round, feminine figure that says, "Hump me 'til it hurts. Then hump me some more." That's what makes Playboy great, the way it can take a total nobody with a bit of naked ambition and a hot body and turn her into an international superstar like Marylin Monroe or Anna Nicole Smith (sad endings) or Jenny McCarthy or Carmen Electra (happy endings). Either that, or they can offer millions to somebody who's already enormous, just to have her turn it down to show just how enormous she really is -- bigger than even Playboy. What is it with this middling dime-a-dozen stick-figure pukey girl like Heidi Montag? It's a sad, sad day when a cultural institution like Playboy is demeaned by famous-for-nothing reality TV culture.

Oh yeah, and Heidi, "your" "music" SUCKS!