Wall Street Bonuses $30 bln. in Collapse Year

Wall Street bonuses were down in 2007 to an average of only $180,420 per worker. Oh, the poor dears! Only a paltry $33 billion in bonuses were handed out to the Wall Street fat cats. This is the thanks they get for giving us the sub-prime mortgage crisis and causing our 401(k) accounts to shrivel like a ballplayer's steroid-addled testicles!?! The outrage! The injustice of it all! How are these guys supposed to pay for their $500 Kobe beef lunches! How are they supposed to keep up the maintenance on their yachts, to say nothing of their second and third homes in Aspen and St. Tropez! And the children! Think of the children -- those $60,000 annual tuitions for private schools don't pay themselves, you know. My God, with paltry little bonuses like these, the poor Wall Street dudes may not be able to retire comfortably until they're 34! It's a travesty, I tell you, and a tragedy!

What's that, you say? They don't deserve a dime in bonuses? They fucked up and cost the rest of us untold billions with their hare-brained SIVs, CDOs and other BS? They put the screws to the Fed and caused such an oversupply of dollars that one can only wonder if a dollar is any longer worth anything?

You just don't understand. You're not smart like they are. These guys contribute more to our society than anybody. They don't make anything but money. Tell me that's not brilliant. If anybody ever cures cancer, they won't make as much money as the Wall Street jocks because... because the Wall Street jocks rule! Down with geeks and freaks! Up with Greeks! Krappa Krappa Krappa 'til death!

If you had only played hockey at Dartmouth, you might have been tapped for such a position. But you didn't. Woe is you. You went to State U and settled for your crappy job. Schmucks like you and me who didn't play lacrosse at Johns Hopkins simply don't deserve the rich rewards enjoyed by the $2,000-shoes crowd. We work for our money, and we willingly surrender it to them because.... because that's just the way it works. If you were smart like a Wall Street fat cat, you'd understand how forking over billions and billions in compensation to these guys every year ensures you a comfy retirement. But you're not smart. So just STFU and keep paying into your 401(k), sucker.

The Lifestyles of the Rich and Shameless depend on you! Don't let them down. Let's max out those 401(k) contributions, people!