Advice on turning 40

Turning 40 does not suck.

Words of wisdom for the whippersnappers sweating it...

So far, 40 is the best age I've had in a while. It beats 30 by a long shot. At 30 you're like, "Damn, this sucks. I'm not in my 20s anymore. No more light and cheery romps with energetic and experimental-minded 20-year-olds." (Of course, that turns out not to be true, at least until you get married.) Thirty is actually sort of a drag, though the decade itself turns out OK, at least until the last few months of it when you're like, "Woe is me. She's really bailing. I'm about to be that cliche -- the 40-year-old recently divorced drunk."

You steel yourself for the inevitable. You quit drinking, and your thinking clears up. Before long, your body feels as strong as it did when you were 20, and you're like, "Your loss, f*(k!n' b!+ch." (Then a twinge of guilt that quickly passes when you realize... nevermind.) You smile at every pretty woman you see, and they smile back!

Well, maybe that's not quite the way it will be for you, but that's pretty much how the approach to 40 went for me.

Then you hit 40 fer realios, and the catharsis completes. You are still young enough to dance, at least if you were smart and took reasonably good care of yourself during your 30s. You really do know twice as much as you did when you were 20. It's a powerful feeling. MwahahahaHAAA!

This energy snowballs, and before you know it, you're the alpha male, mackin', pimpin', ballin' king of your goddamn castle. You are The. Motherf*(k1ng. Man (unless you happen to be a woman, in which case, replace "male" with "female," "king" with "queen," and "Man," with "Woman" in the preceding sentence.) Good things start happening, and you realize that it's just halftime! You've probably got 40+ years left to rock this sh!t! You look forward to being old and wise, and you savor every ounce of your physical power. You're better at everything. Sure, you could bone like an animal for hours on end at 20. At 40 you can still bone like an animal, but you're way better at the stuff that comes before and after the actual bumpin' and pumpin'. Come to think of it, you're probably better at the bumpin' and pumpin', too. Like I said, you know twice as much as you did at 20.

I can't speak for anyone else, but 40 seems like a pretty damn fine age to me.

My advice to all the whippersnappers out there is party in moderation, drink lots of water, eat lots of fruits and vegetables, exercise like your life depends on it (It does.), read until your eyes bleed, and look forward not in dread but in gleeful anticipation. If you're lucky enough to hit 40, you'll be glad you took this advice, watching helplessly as many of your peers surrender to fatness, hypertension, diabetes, stifling marriages, and misery in general.

My advice to anyone staring down the barrel of 40 is this: Chill. With all the shit you've been through by now, you deserve every drop of enjoyment that you can wring from what may well be your last decade of physical vigor. (OK, that part of it is a little depressing, but you know it's coming so you can prepare for it.) On your 40th birthday, repeat the following mantra until you laugh so hard that you cry:

"I made it to mufuggin' FAWTY~!"

Say it loud. Say it proud.

Peace.